eI saw this on someone lse's profile today and it touched me, as did their words elsewhere - thank you to that person. Little things have happened today to remind my to really try to embrace and accept life as I am and not to constantly focus on trying to get better when it may not happen. It is a hard thing to accept your bodies restrictions when things change and you simply cant do the things that you could do just months ago. Especially if you are a driven person like I am. But Ive been wasting energy on focusing on my illness too much, constantly trying to get better. Yes, I want to get better or back to how I was before this years "relapse" and its perfectly normal to want to push forward, and our society in many ways expects people to push forward all the time. We are encouraged to better ourselves all the time, we are encouraged to think that you need to work to be a well rounded and valued person, and when we don't work due to illness there is stigma, especially with invisible illnesses that people cant " see" that you have, or don't understand. Sometimes, this pushing to get better all the time can make people worse, and is very draining. There comes a point where one needs to simply accept the way there body is, accept the limitations - not to give up, but to learn to be happy with what the body can manage. Today, this way of thinking has been prompted in me by chatting to one lady. Today is a turning point. I am NOT giving up, I will continue to try to improve my health by eating super healthy and doing whatever minimal exercise my body allows, but I need to take a step back and learn to enjoy myself just the way I am, in the knowledge that I have done everything possible over 9-10 years to recover or get as well as I can from this illness. It is time to stop pushing myself physically all the time, in a bid to increase my stamina as its not working, its done nothing but make me ill for 6 months. I'm am tired of the fight to get well, so today I accept that my body is simply the way that it is, if its going to get better it will, if not then so be it. I AM NOT GIVING UP. Please do not think I am. I am simply accepting the way my body is, what I can and cannot do fluctuates on a daily, hourly, weekly, monthly basis. I am learning to be more at peace with myself and this illness from now on.
Less focus on illness means I can focus more on being me again, I can concentrate on living in the present moment and finding happiness in the things that really touch me. In some ways Ive stopped being me, as Ive been concentrating so hard on fighting and getting through each day, what I can do to fight harder to get better. So my energies are shifted to living, to being, to enjoying and savouring the things, people, moments I love.
Today has really been a huge positive to me. People have crossed my path and words have been said, my thinking has changed. Its like Ive woken up and stepped out of a thick menacing fog out into the light. Realisations have occurred and I feel so much love and appreciation. I feel so much more "myself" and very much lifted in spirits. This has resulted in me being able to forgive 5 people who's actions have caused myself and others a great deal of pain, and to let go of the very last remnants of that pain. It has allowed me to start bridge building, more for other peoples sake than my own, but essentially to help them to rebuild broken relationships. What I get out of this is to see their happiness which is worth more than gold.
I am continuing my veggie diet and have ended up 50-75% raw this week. Its been hard cutting out all the foods I'm sensitive too, but made me appreciate other foods. Ive made a couple of delicious recipes this week and have really enjoyed my food. I don't feel any better for it health wise, but I'm enjoying this way of eating so will continue with it. Its got to do me some good having all the super nutritious foods I do have.
I do have some quite exciting news this week. I started entering the National photographic societies monthly photo competitions 2 months ago. This week I found out I had been awarded 2 out of the 3 gold awards this month. I am so over the moon about this, absolutely thrilled. The other entries were a pure joy to look through and of such high quality. Its hard to believe I was awarded 2 of the golds. I also got two highly commended. If you like nice photos do take a look, there are some beautiful images.
National photographic society photo comp winners
Ive also started making a few pendants out of clay this week, I'm feeling very creative and have been researching ancient Norse, pagan and Celtic art and jewellery for inspiration. Ive got lots of ideas I'm planning to try out so watch this space.
Credits for photo below - Model Charlotte Felski, MUA Delilh Rose, assistant Mike Martin
Credits for photo below - Model Natasha KQ Bloxham
MUA Amy Robson MUA
Hair Rachel Smee hair and make-up
Jewelry Michail Jarovoj
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