Here I go again - Renewed drive to beat M.E

Im feeling super positive and happy lately. Life is good. Im enjoying exploring spirituality and reading a little psychology - both hugely beneficial. Im still struggling with the M.E, still only getting out once or twice a week, so none of that has changed. However Ive certainly got used to being single and psychologically feel better than I have in years, not that I had a problem, but I feel happier, content, at peace now whilst I didnt before.

Despite my attempts to increase my activity levels earlier this year, Ive not managed to increase my stamina at all. Frequent minor illnesses hampered my attempts. All attempts at increasing activity and stamina have failed. BUT Im getting back to basics now, a new plan. This time Im cutting out the one thing that I love that has been draining my energy and has resulted in experiencing severe symptoms in days afterwards - yep photography. I had been grabbing the opportunity whilst out with friends seeing bands to take photos of the bands too. Its amazing how much this drained me. So 1st thing in my new plan - 28 days of no photography unless its a quick snap. Time to concentrate ALL my effort on beating this illness.


So my plan, which Ive started this week
1/  Get out for a short walk EVERY day, no matter how dreadful I feel , starting with a simple 10 minute daily stroll. Increasing the length of time each week or two depending on how my body is responding. Now Ive done this before, tried earlier this year and a few times the last 2 years and its not worked, BUT I did this in 2014 and it led to me being able to rebuild my activity levels massively that year, with regular walks of between 3 and 5 miles.  So, this is why Im trying it again. Now this method doesnt work for everyone, graded exercise has made some people worse,( it has made me worse in the past too) but Im building up very slowly and gently so I do not make myself worse. I will listen to my body. But I will stick to this ridgedly every day for at least a month, even if its just 10 minutes a day. Ive done it before and Im so determined to make it work again. If this doesnt work then Ive no other option to continue my life as before,  including the occassional boom bust cycle in order to do the things I love, as without doing what I love in life there is little point.

2/Super super healthy eating and losing weight. I didnt lose the weight earlier in the year. So I will kick start very slow weightloss again. 190lbs a couple of days ago, Im aiming to reach 170 if I can. Ive continued to eat fish and chicken once or twice a week over the last couple of months, partly following a very well educated friends advice I have increased this. Im not so keen on red meat but tried it a couple of days ago and may eat it once a week. If after another couple of months eating meat I see no difference Im likely to return to either being vegetarian or pescatarian though. Im eaing a diet rich in low fat foods, pulses, grains, lean meat, vegetables, fruit. Low sugar, very little processed foods. Calorie counting as I cant exactly lose weight with increased exercise at present.

3/Supplements & medication, I will continue taking D Ribbose and CoQ10 plus NADH. I am also  trying Curcummin to see if it helps with pain relief, Milk thistle due to a liver problem which is being investigated, iron, vit C, vit B, vit D, flaxseed oil, Ginko biloba and ginseng. All of which Ive checked are fine with my GP following an ongoing liver and gall bladder issue.  Ive recently had my thyroxine reduced from 100mcg to 75mcg as TSH was 0.5. Im battling pain relief, trying to hold off anti inflamatories as much as possible until my stomach issues are identified for definate, as still need to rule out an ulcer. So taking Lansoprazole until further tests and diagnosis determines the cause of the pain. So its codiene and paracetamol for pain, but trying to take as little as possible, using hot baths and heat packs instead whenever possible.

Apart from those simple steps Im ensuring a good sleep pattern ( well trying to in this heat), keeping myself thinking positively, avoiding being around negative people, keep stress to a minimum. Avoiding spending excessive time using a computer, building in rest periods to every day, meditating once a day. Im factoring in doing things that I really enjoy, making jewellery, reading, time in the countryside, time spent with my daughter and friends. Im even going to try sitting in the sun, which for some reason Ive never enjoyed, but Im pasty white and some extra sunshine would do me good :)

So thats my plan. A bit boring but its here for me to refer back to and keep it documented.

Getting to the giving up photography temporarily, Ive met a lot of resistance from my friends and fellow photographers, probably because they know how much I love my hobby and how it drives me. Maybe they have not realised the severity of how it impacts me in following days. Recently I photographed a gig and some dancers and it left me in a terrible state for the best part of 7 days. Actually pretty much bed bound for 2 days. Compared to attending a gig a few days ago, not doing photography, I was able to get out the following day. Its a no brainer really. Why on earth make myself so ill, just to take a few photos of a band, which turn out poor anyway as lighting is dark resulting in noisy images. Its not as if gig photography is my thing, Im never going to be winning awards with the images. Plus, I realise how much Ive neglected my friends in doing this and I would rather enjoy their company and the band. So no more gig photography in low light pubs full stop, only in places where lighting is enough to allow me to take higher quality images.

As a photographer I have been very driven in my passion, Ive allowed it to seep into all areas of my life. I love what I do. But its so easy to get caught up in taking photos only thinking about getting "that shot", and you miss the magic of the moment. For me, as Im continuing my spiritual and self improvement path, I realise now that Ive been missing out on being "present" in the moment a hell of a lot, as Ive been so focused and driven. So taking a step back is also a positive option for me, I can get to really enjoy all those magic moments for what they are, not thinking about how  compose the best image, how to process it and how many likes or how it might be recieved by other photographers etc. I would rather look back on magical moments that the photographing of those magical moments. So when I pick my camera up again, I will hopefully not keep clicking away, but be selective and remember to live in the moment aswell.

Another positive is that I can focus on creating to headwear for photoshoots that I would like to do, making them completely unique, why do the same as everyone else.
I created the headwear featured below and enjoyed making it.

Acceptance and turning point - some deep realisations

eI saw this on someone lse's profile today and it touched me, as did their words elsewhere - thank you to that person. Little things have happened today to remind my to really try to embrace and accept life as I am and not to constantly focus on trying to get better when it may not happen. It is a hard thing to accept your bodies restrictions when things change and you simply cant do the things that you could do just months ago. Especially if you are a driven person like I am. But Ive been wasting energy on focusing on my illness too much, constantly trying to get better. Yes, I want to get better or back to how I was before this years "relapse" and its perfectly normal to want to push forward, and our society in many ways expects people to push forward all the time. We are encouraged to better ourselves all the time, we are encouraged to think that you need to work to be a well rounded and valued person, and when we don't work due to illness there is stigma, especially with invisible illnesses that people cant " see" that you have, or don't understand. Sometimes, this pushing to get better all the time can make people worse, and is very draining. There comes a point where one needs to simply accept the way there body is, accept the limitations - not to give up, but to learn to be happy with what the body can manage. Today, this way of thinking has been prompted in me by chatting to one lady. Today is a turning point. I am NOT giving up, I will continue to try to improve my health by eating super healthy and doing whatever minimal exercise my body allows, but I need to take a step back and learn to enjoy myself just the way I am, in the knowledge that I have done everything possible over 9-10 years to recover or get as well as I can from this illness. It is time to stop pushing myself physically all the time, in a bid to increase my stamina as its not working, its done nothing but make me ill for 6 months. I'm am tired of the fight to get well, so today I accept that my body is simply the way that it is, if its going to get better it will, if not then so be it. I AM NOT GIVING UP. Please do not think I am. I am simply accepting the way my body is, what I can and cannot do fluctuates on a daily, hourly, weekly, monthly basis. I am learning to be more at peace with myself and this illness from now on.

Less focus on illness means I can focus more on being me again, I can concentrate on living in the present moment and finding happiness in the things that really touch me. In some ways Ive stopped being me, as Ive been concentrating so hard on fighting and getting through each day, what I can do to fight harder to get better. So my energies are shifted to living, to being, to enjoying and savouring the things, people, moments I love.
Today has really been a huge positive to me. People have crossed my path and words have been said, my thinking has changed. Its like Ive woken up and stepped out of a thick menacing fog out into the light. Realisations have occurred and I feel so much love and appreciation. I feel so much more "myself" and very much lifted in spirits. This has resulted in me being able to forgive 5 people who's actions have caused myself and others a great deal of pain, and to let go of the very last remnants of that pain. It has allowed me to start bridge building, more for other peoples sake than my own, but essentially to help them to rebuild broken relationships. What I get out of this is to see their happiness which is worth more than gold.

I am continuing my veggie diet and have ended up 50-75% raw this week. Its been hard cutting out all the foods I'm sensitive too, but made me appreciate other foods. Ive made a couple of delicious recipes this week and have really enjoyed my food. I don't feel any better for it health wise, but I'm enjoying this way of eating so will continue with it. Its got to do me some good having all the super nutritious foods I do have.

I do have some quite exciting news this week. I started entering the National photographic societies monthly photo competitions 2 months ago. This week I found out I had been awarded 2 out of the 3 gold awards this month. I am so over the moon about this, absolutely thrilled. The other entries were a pure joy to look through and of such high quality. Its hard to believe I was awarded 2 of the golds. I also got two highly commended. If you like nice photos do take a look, there are some beautiful images.
National photographic society photo comp winners

Ive also started making a few pendants out of clay this week, I'm feeling very creative and have been researching ancient Norse, pagan and Celtic art and jewellery for inspiration. Ive got lots of ideas I'm planning to try out so watch this space.

Credits for photo below - Model Charlotte Felski, MUA Delilh Rose, assistant Mike Martin

Credits for photo below - Model Natasha KQ Bloxham​
MUA Amy Robson MUA
Hair Rachel Smee hair and make-up
Jewelry Michail Jarovoj

Food and airbourne sensitivity tests

Carrying on from my last blog, I did go out this week, but felt soo ill on going out. Luckily by the time we reached the botanical gardens I had started to feel better, but later in the day I felt quite ill again.  Strangely both times were immediately following food, I would not have added this in my blog, however Ive had food sensitivity tests since and the results were interesting.

So, I went for the food and airbourne sensitivities/intolerances tests. The results showed Im sensitive to the following list of foods and airbourne stuff.

Coffee, cocoa, chocolate, cows milk, potatoes, peas, garlic, grapes, oranges, apples, tangerines, mixed nuts, hazel nuts, salmon,oysters, margarine, barley flour, rye flour, wheat, wheat bran, soy bean meal, red and white wine, msg, e102, e110, e124

tobacco smoke, grasses, dogs hair, house dust mites, straw dust, nettle pollen, dry rot, penicillin notatum, alternata

So going back to feeling ill the previous day, I had just drank fresh home made juice containing orange and apple juice, followed by a slice of freshly baked home made bread containing wheat. Later in the day I was out and had my first coffee in about 1 week, decaf with milk, plus a veggie lasagna and salad. It adds up now as I had quite a few things that my body is currently intolerant of.

Apparently by avoiding all these things in my diet for 2-6 months some of these intolerances may disappear if my body is given the chance to heal. Its going to be quite difficult initially as I juice daily and for my juices/smoothies containing lots of veg I usually add the juice of an apple or orange to help the taste. I have garlic in a large proportion of savoury dishes, wheat will also be difficult, not so much just because its in bread, but its in so many other things - couscous being the main one I will miss, I will eat couscous 2-3 times a week. Not having pasta or noodles will be tricky too.  So no bread, pasta, noodles or couscous or potatoes - these are difficult staples to go without. But I CAN have rice and oats and corn, So if I choose to have a cereal I could possibly find an oat or corn based one, maybe a healthy muesli. potatoes I can substitute with an occassional sweet potato.

I am waiting to determine precisely which nuts I cant have, I know macadamia and peanuts are out. Hopefully I can still have cashews and almonds as I drink almond milk.
I am also getting one point verified re cocoa - is this cocoa containing milk powder ? If it is then maybe its just the milk thats the problem, which would be a huge relief as I could have be odd treat with cacao powder in almond milk whizzed up with banana and kale as a chocolate smoothie :)

My diet is going to be challenging for a short time whilst I work out what I can have, and how I can stay eating a diet that is highly nutritious with everything my body needs. A lot of shop bought ready made items are out of question. I guess I will come to really appreciate certain foods, but eating out will be very difficult.

Today is day one of elimination diet, Ive eliminated everything on the list apart from a tiny bit of apple juice in my smoothie. That wont be a problem tomorrow as I now have other fruits to substitute, so tomorrow everything from the list will be eliminated. I am hopeful that given a couple of weeks I will start feeling a good bit better in myself and that correcting my diet will  be a positive step on my road to recovery.

Positive stuff this week - hardly any pain- YIPPEE, even following my short walk in Durham. Ive made a new bracelet and a couple of components for necklaces. Ive actually got out 3 times this week despite feeling dreadful and had such a lovely time walking through woodlands at Durham botanical gardens.

There was an interesting article out this week about M.E. Here is a link for anyone that missed it.
http://www.thecanary.co/2016/06/08/people-mecfs-long-told-head-scientists-disagree/

Loving being vegetarian

I did get out to photograph waterfalls although we did not make it to the main waterfalls that we had planned as its was getting late in the day and they were much further away from the parking spot. We went to Hareshaw Linn in Northumberland which has the most beautiful old woodlands all alongside a small river. Parking is in a pretty little town called Bellingham, that has a nice pub and a home bakery shop on the main street, where I tried out some lovely chocolate shortbread. Only a few minutes walk from the car is a small waterfall with a few god options for photography, and with 3 of us pretty addicted to snapping we must have spent about an hour in that spot. We did have to splodge through the water to get different angles, and many of my friends who know me well will be amazed to know that I didn't get wet for once :). Luckily there were seats along the walk which provided welcome opportunities for brief rests as the path does undulate. Im quite happy that I managed the walk reasonably easily, although I suffered for about 5 days afterwards, its always worth it for me. We had such a lovely afternoon/evening with my partners parents and rounded it off nicely with a chippy supper.

Two weeks of being vegetarian now and I'm loving it. Ive not even considered or missed eating meat, in fact I've eaten a mainly Vegan, 75% raw diet virtually every day.  I wouldnt say Ive felt much benefit yet, although for the first time in ages Ive started getting a decent sleep in the last few days - 8-10 hours at a time, which is great as Ive struggled with sleep in the past couple of years, but especially the last 6 months.  Wierdly yesterday I only had 2 hours sleep and apart from the first hour after waking, I did not feel too bad. I have read that a largely raw diet can help with sleep and people often need less sleep, it will be interesting to see how this progresses. Another change in my body is that I normally menstruate 6-7 days and yet this time has only lasted 4 days, with virtually no pmt, again, I have also read that a largely raw diet can reduce the length of time menstruating and its well known that a diet rich in fruit and veg can help reduce pmt symptoms. Something else to watch with interest ( for me anyway :) )

Many books and articles do say that you can feel pretty rough in the first couple of weeks of turning vegetarian or starting a 75% raw diet, well I feel rough 90% of the time anyway over the last 6 months especially due to M.E, so no difference there. I did actually feel refreshed after a sleep one day, which is incredibly rare for me - only 2 days this year.  One positive is that Ive lost 8lbs in 8 days, without exercising ( although I have tried to be more active at home, struggling with this as the M.E has been bad, but I've set myself little extra tasks to keep me moving more and have tried to keep going despite feeling dreadful, in an attempt to increase my stamina). I have not had a stupidly low calorie intake - I've been very careful of this as low blood sugar is not good whilst having M.E, Ive tried to regulate it by having small amounts and often, and eating the right foods. My calorie intake has varied from 1200 calories to about 1600, Ive not worked it out exactly, just estimated it roughly, but I've certainly never dipped below 1200. I had put on almost 2 stone in 18 months, mostly due to  being hugely restricted in physical activity because of the M.E in the last 6 months, but dietary wise I've basically continued eating anything I wanted, so its no surprise.  8lbs is a lot to lose in 8 days,  but Ive genuinely eaten better in the last week than I have in my entire life. I've eaten loads, I've not gone without sweet treats and Ive had more good nutrition than ever. Because Ive researched and read so much lately, its resulted in me being able to pack in amazing amounts of nutrients into my meals/snacks, its meant my meals are varied and interesting, with so many flavours. I'm including various supposed " super foods" too. I have been including 1 teaspoon of Bee pollen in a smoothie every day and will be increasing this to 2 teaspoons over the next week or so. Bee pollen has so many positive effects - I would highly recommend anyone to read up on it to see for yourself.
























I will be happy to continue losing weight this way and I am going to keep my calorie intake to between 1200 and 1500 most days, whilst attempting to increase activity, as activity levels rise then so will be calorie intake.

I am feeling surprisingly more mentally alert and revitalised, which could be from a combination of things - good nutritious food, better sleeps, trying to be a little more active, even if it is only in small doses, supplements etc. My mood is also very good, I am positive and enjoying doing various things. I have meditated for brief periods each day and have tried implementing the technique when something stressful crops up - to help reduce the ANS  viscous cycle that contributes to M.E symptoms.

This week I am having sensitivity tests on foods, vitamins, minerals and airbourne stuff, plus a check for defficiencies. A friend told me about this Dr, he had the same tests and the Dr has helped not only him, but his girlfriend and mother to feel better by detecting and removing these "allergens". I have been looking for a holistic Dr and its strange how my friend brought it up just in the week that I was looking. Hopefully this will help me to ensure I m doing everything possible to get myself well and recover from M.E. Just another step in the process. I have previously mentioned my suspected sensitivity to Rapeseed, it will be interesting to see if is picked up or not, whether Im right or wrong.

I am hopefully off out somewhere with my partner and his parents tomorrow, not sure where yet, but looking forward to getting out and to seeing them. Im also hoping to get out this weekend to the 1 year anniversary of my favourite pub reopening - Trillians - I just love this place, my favourite pub since I was a teen, now ran partly by a lovely lady I met through the New friends in Newcastle Meet Up group and her friend. Its a rock bar and they have bands playing every week. This week they will have the same band playing that they did a year ago, AKQ Stottin and they were pretty darn good. So fingers crossed I can get there, enjoy the music and see  few friends.

Its also almost a year from the day I met my lovely partner, John . We had our first date in Trillians on the 21st of June, the summer solstice. I'm looking forward to celebrating our 1 year anniversary, there were many times I thought we might not be a couple, but now I'm really happy I stuck with it and worked through my issues as he is such a lovely, warm, kind hearted man. I can still remember our first kiss on some rocks at Cullercoats whilst watching the sun set, so romantic.

The quest for good health continues - huge dietary changes.

So since my last blog, 8 only days ago Ive made large changes to my diet. I have done a lot of reading - mainly a booked called CFS unravelled, which explains one mans theory of the causes of CFS and how to recover. Its not that far from my own theories and thoughts so Im following his advice, as its extremely close to my current plans for health. As he has explained the reasons behind the requirement for supplements, I have restarted taking :-
 Magnesium,
 Vitamin B complex,

Vitamin D3 - 5000 IU after a good bit of research, I know this is more than what is conventionally prescribed but I really have researched it and i would need moe than 30,000 daily before it would be considered possibly too much. I am currently defficient, not surprising living in north UK and not getting out much lately.

Iron - the average woman at my point in life needs 33mg a day, more than twice what men do. Now after looking at my current diet plans of mainly raw vegan food, I get loads of Iron from a 2-4 of large handfuls of spinach/kale/rocket, fennel, courgettes, dandelion greens plus from various nuts, sunflower seeds and other seeds plus raw cacao, raw hummus, raw tahini,  But Im not convinced I will always get 33 mg so I will supplement and eat iron rich foods alongside vitamin C to help its uptake. I do wonder how people with rubbish diets eating takeaways and junk get enough iron though, at least I know Im giving my body the best nutrition possible.

Chromium which helps normalise blood sugar levels
 CoQ10 which helps with energy at a cellular level
Ginseng
St Johns wort
Ribbose, Creatine and Theanine all to help with M.E

I have also continued reading another book called Raw energy regarding the benefits of a raw plant diet. I already have a fairly sound understanding of nutrition due to being an ex nurse but reading this plus reading numerous articles/research on vegetarian, vegan and raw food websites has me absolutely convinced that Im doing the right thing for my body in changing my diet for the better. If only I had known as much about the benefits of eating raw foods years ago... I feel like shouting it from the roof tops and telling everyone how much better they can treat their bodies by changing even just one meal a day.
So my changes are - one or two fresh fruit and vegetable juices a day, one raw meal a day - could be a smoothie - I can fit so much nutrition into a smoothie, or a salad type meal, a soup or numerous other ideas.  Looking at all the recipes I  feel excited at the wonderful choices. So many are incredibly easy to make. For my last meal I might eat cooked food, it depends on what I fancy each day, but at the very least it will be vegetarian.  Meaning about 60-70 % of my diet will be raw food, packed with more nutrients than Ive ever had in my life, so I'm not worried about becoming defficient - I will need to keep an eye on things such as calcium content, pottassium and sodium levels, protien intake etc whilst getting used to this new way of living. I will be speaking to my GP re all this on my next visit and request that we keep an eye on my bloods etc whilst making these changes. My attitude to food has changed, I am eating for enjoyment too, but more eating for health. I do not look at becoming vegetarian and possibly vegan/rawist in time as losing out as many people do, I look at it in a positive way as Ive actually been m,issing out on such an amazing way to eat and live for so long.  I am excited at the opportunity to try new foods/ recipes. I have loved every single m,eal I've had this week and whilst I am not brimming with energy yet due to a couple of other reasons this week, I am 200% sure in time I will reap the benefits, and soon - I just need to get over a minor stomach upset and look at my other aspects of health regarding recovering from M.E.
Seriously, that first fresh juice of the day is like drinking a glass of pure sunshine. I've found a couple of recipes that help with any cravings for my favourate foods to, not that I will eat them in excess :) Here is one I love -
Thick Chocolate, peanut smoothie
1 frozen banana,
 2 handfuls of spinach/kale/dandelion greens - whatever greens you fancy
2 medjool dates
a tablespoon of peanut butter
a few almonds
a few sunflower seeds
almond milk
add a pinch of bee pollen and spirulina for extra nutrition if desired
After having a small one of those - I honestly don't think I will be craving conventional chocolate bars too often - this is tastier

This next week I am going to concentrate on learning a few more recipes and trying those. I am also looking into changing a handful of fruits veggie purchases into organic produce to avoid pesticides, I wish I could afford more, but slowly and surely I will get there. There are guidelines on the best 15 fruits and veg to buy organic which helps. I am also hoping to pass on some of this desire for tasty healthy foods to my daughter, but teenagers aren't always interested in what their mums say or do :).

I will be attending a yoga meditation class this week too, another area I am trying to help myself with, in reducing stress and how I react to it. This should hopefully be beneficial in my recovery, although I anticipate it may take time to learn to put into practice properly.

I've taken a step back from making my jewellery so I can put as much energy as possible into getting well/recovering. I have made a couple of bracelets in the last two weeks and have produced components for two other which I will be completing soon. But taking a step back will allow me to refocus on exactly what I want to make, what I enjoy producing, also whether to pursue this as a very small business or keep it as a hobby.

I have been out taking photographs once this week, images totally for myself, so no pressure involved. I visited the most beautiful, ancient woodlands in Morpeth, filled with more bluebells than I have ever seen in my life. It was heaven. Three of us spent about 3 hours wandering around with our cameras, it was bliss. Although I did not rest enough, causing a bit of a crash this week. Next time I will remember to take frequent short rests. I am tempted to rerturn as its so beautiful and I only just discovered the heaviest concentration of bluebells on leaving. Plus the light will be different. I will see how I feel over coming days as they wont be in bloom long.

Oooh and another benefit of eating so healthy - Ive lost 5lbs this week, which is a positive thing as I could do with losing about 20 lbs to be a really good healthy weight for my height. So I'm a quarter of the way there without trying really.

My pain levels remain better than they were too, no pain at all yesterday and today which is wonderful.

The latest

So I tried figuring in rest periods into my day, not that I was doing a lot any way, but I was constantly keeping myself busy  I avoided the boom bust cycle but felt no better. Although short rest periods do help me.
I did actually have a very unusual day where I awoke refreshed and managed to do quite a lot ( rest periods incorporated) without doing too much. But it seems it was a one off. Its not happened since. I found that by avoiding the boom /bust cycle, I was unable to do the things I wanted, simple things, but activities that always wear me out for days. Its left me feeling lower. So, I'm going with what works for me - doing the things I love whenever I can manage, despite the cost on myself in the days/weeks afterwards, but planning well. Doing the things I love keeps me happy, and pushes me to exercise more despite the exhausting consequences - it helps keep my heart and muscles healthy, and the benefits of happiness far outweigh those of doing things slowly and resting to conserve energy ( a very very boring/tedious existence). I want to get out and live my life. I would far rather be a little reckless once or twice a month, have the time of my life but be ill 3 weeks of the month, than sit at home minimising activities, only to realise I still feel ill.
I am not returning to the M.E dept as they simply haven't helped me, I seem to be able to help myself more.
I am working on optimising my health to the maximum possible and I'm currently planning a raw/vegan diet trial. All the supplements Ive tried have done nothing, so I'm stopping the all today bar Vit D3 as its a waste of time and money. I even tried anti depressants but found they took away ALL of my motivation, I felt numb, so that's a big negative as I'm a fairly motivated person and I refuse to take something that's going to dampen what I feel are my positive attributes. I will try St Johns wort to see if that helps perk me up a little, as I am flat from so many months of massively reduced ability to get out and get involved in normal life activities. So, this week I will be mostly looking into a raw/vegan diet, its benefits and drawbacks, recipes, talking to friends who eat this way and taking a very close look at exactly how to cover all my nutritional requirements this way. I have already started juicing again and replacing an average of one meal a day with fresh juice, so hopefully this will help with my transition to a new diet. I have vegan dishes prepared for the next couple of days. Time to get stocking up on some of the vital extras I will need - goodies such as Bee pollen, honey, various nuts and seeds etc. Ive just learned how to make nut milk and nut cheese - so will be trying those out asap.
Ive also decided to cut Rapeseed oil out of my diet, as I had quite a reaction to it by simply walking through a field - blisters on my legs which burned for 3-4 days. So whilst I experience no noticeable digestion problems after eating products containing it, there is always the possibility I'm sensitive to it in other ways, considering my body's reaction. Next time I'm at my Gps I will mention it. I have more or less cut it out from my diet over this last 5 days or so - but I needed to be vigilant - its in so many foods from cereals, spreads, vegetable oils, snack bars, crisps, all sorts really.

Some good news - my pain levels have finally started to reduce, its been hell for months, constant pain, made worse by cold spells, but these last few weeks my pain levels have reduced to less than half which is wonderful as pain is so tiring.

Re the heart stuff - Ive an appointment to have 24 hour heart monitoring tape fitted in June so the Drs can work out whats going on. My feet are swelling less this month which is good, but palpitations continue to occur - currently anything from 3 times a day to a couple of times a week.

I'm also prescribed a nasal treatment for the inflammation Ive got going on, its a months course and two weeks in its feeling no better, but I will persevere. My sense of smell is no better.

I did get away for a couple of days to an event that Ive wanted to go to for quite some time, the Beltane fire festival in Edinburgh. This was only possible with help from my lovely boyfriend, I could not have managed it without him. I had to taxi between points to reserve energy and sit down frequently and my boyfriend carried 90% of my camera equipment plus drinks etc. But the evening of the festival was magical, better than I had imagined and luckily not too cold. Just attending this has really picked me up and I cant wait to go again next year. I managed a wander around Edinburgh taking in the most beautiful cathedral and loved listening to the bagpipes being played. Its hard to explain the pleasure I experience being in Scotland and walking the places my father and grandmother walked many years ago - Scotland feels like part of me. Sadly, the result of getting away has left me quite unwell for over a week, but its worth it - everyone needs a holiday/break now and then.

Ive also decided to enter a few photography competitions again and won a graphics tablet by coming runner up in one. I was absolutely thrilled to be awarded two gold awards and 4 highly commended in the National photography society's monthly competition, and chuffed to bits that they have used one of those images as their temporary cover image on Facebook. So I have a little extra motivation to continue entering when Ive had some positive results.

I have started planning a series of photo shoots and I'm in the process of pulling together a creative team. I'm quite excited about this as we will be working on a theme that's totally me and Ive had some wonderfully creative and talented people show interest. I will just take my time with planning to get everything right, and have a good supporting team so we can make it all work. I'm really keen to get out doing portraiture again, but Ive made the decision to only work on my own projects from now, as my energy is so precious and the consequences of being so ill afterwards make it not so worth while working on projects that ultimately don't interest me. It will likely be a month or longer before the first one, but its something to look forward to. Ive also got a couple of gigs to look forward to where I'm photographing the bands - one in June and one in November.  ( I managed to photograph Hawkwind, one of my all time favourite bands, playing The Sage last month, amazing experience)

So overall, I'm slightly better than last month, with plans to change my diet to see if that helps. I wil try to blog soon to keep everything up to date. Enjoy the start of summer.