Acceptance and turning point - some deep realisations

eI saw this on someone lse's profile today and it touched me, as did their words elsewhere - thank you to that person. Little things have happened today to remind my to really try to embrace and accept life as I am and not to constantly focus on trying to get better when it may not happen. It is a hard thing to accept your bodies restrictions when things change and you simply cant do the things that you could do just months ago. Especially if you are a driven person like I am. But Ive been wasting energy on focusing on my illness too much, constantly trying to get better. Yes, I want to get better or back to how I was before this years "relapse" and its perfectly normal to want to push forward, and our society in many ways expects people to push forward all the time. We are encouraged to better ourselves all the time, we are encouraged to think that you need to work to be a well rounded and valued person, and when we don't work due to illness there is stigma, especially with invisible illnesses that people cant " see" that you have, or don't understand. Sometimes, this pushing to get better all the time can make people worse, and is very draining. There comes a point where one needs to simply accept the way there body is, accept the limitations - not to give up, but to learn to be happy with what the body can manage. Today, this way of thinking has been prompted in me by chatting to one lady. Today is a turning point. I am NOT giving up, I will continue to try to improve my health by eating super healthy and doing whatever minimal exercise my body allows, but I need to take a step back and learn to enjoy myself just the way I am, in the knowledge that I have done everything possible over 9-10 years to recover or get as well as I can from this illness. It is time to stop pushing myself physically all the time, in a bid to increase my stamina as its not working, its done nothing but make me ill for 6 months. I'm am tired of the fight to get well, so today I accept that my body is simply the way that it is, if its going to get better it will, if not then so be it. I AM NOT GIVING UP. Please do not think I am. I am simply accepting the way my body is, what I can and cannot do fluctuates on a daily, hourly, weekly, monthly basis. I am learning to be more at peace with myself and this illness from now on.

Less focus on illness means I can focus more on being me again, I can concentrate on living in the present moment and finding happiness in the things that really touch me. In some ways Ive stopped being me, as Ive been concentrating so hard on fighting and getting through each day, what I can do to fight harder to get better. So my energies are shifted to living, to being, to enjoying and savouring the things, people, moments I love.
Today has really been a huge positive to me. People have crossed my path and words have been said, my thinking has changed. Its like Ive woken up and stepped out of a thick menacing fog out into the light. Realisations have occurred and I feel so much love and appreciation. I feel so much more "myself" and very much lifted in spirits. This has resulted in me being able to forgive 5 people who's actions have caused myself and others a great deal of pain, and to let go of the very last remnants of that pain. It has allowed me to start bridge building, more for other peoples sake than my own, but essentially to help them to rebuild broken relationships. What I get out of this is to see their happiness which is worth more than gold.

I am continuing my veggie diet and have ended up 50-75% raw this week. Its been hard cutting out all the foods I'm sensitive too, but made me appreciate other foods. Ive made a couple of delicious recipes this week and have really enjoyed my food. I don't feel any better for it health wise, but I'm enjoying this way of eating so will continue with it. Its got to do me some good having all the super nutritious foods I do have.

I do have some quite exciting news this week. I started entering the National photographic societies monthly photo competitions 2 months ago. This week I found out I had been awarded 2 out of the 3 gold awards this month. I am so over the moon about this, absolutely thrilled. The other entries were a pure joy to look through and of such high quality. Its hard to believe I was awarded 2 of the golds. I also got two highly commended. If you like nice photos do take a look, there are some beautiful images.
National photographic society photo comp winners

Ive also started making a few pendants out of clay this week, I'm feeling very creative and have been researching ancient Norse, pagan and Celtic art and jewellery for inspiration. Ive got lots of ideas I'm planning to try out so watch this space.

Credits for photo below - Model Charlotte Felski, MUA Delilh Rose, assistant Mike Martin

Credits for photo below - Model Natasha KQ Bloxham​
MUA Amy Robson MUA
Hair Rachel Smee hair and make-up
Jewelry Michail Jarovoj

Food and airbourne sensitivity tests

Carrying on from my last blog, I did go out this week, but felt soo ill on going out. Luckily by the time we reached the botanical gardens I had started to feel better, but later in the day I felt quite ill again.  Strangely both times were immediately following food, I would not have added this in my blog, however Ive had food sensitivity tests since and the results were interesting.

So, I went for the food and airbourne sensitivities/intolerances tests. The results showed Im sensitive to the following list of foods and airbourne stuff.

Coffee, cocoa, chocolate, cows milk, potatoes, peas, garlic, grapes, oranges, apples, tangerines, mixed nuts, hazel nuts, salmon,oysters, margarine, barley flour, rye flour, wheat, wheat bran, soy bean meal, red and white wine, msg, e102, e110, e124

tobacco smoke, grasses, dogs hair, house dust mites, straw dust, nettle pollen, dry rot, penicillin notatum, alternata

So going back to feeling ill the previous day, I had just drank fresh home made juice containing orange and apple juice, followed by a slice of freshly baked home made bread containing wheat. Later in the day I was out and had my first coffee in about 1 week, decaf with milk, plus a veggie lasagna and salad. It adds up now as I had quite a few things that my body is currently intolerant of.

Apparently by avoiding all these things in my diet for 2-6 months some of these intolerances may disappear if my body is given the chance to heal. Its going to be quite difficult initially as I juice daily and for my juices/smoothies containing lots of veg I usually add the juice of an apple or orange to help the taste. I have garlic in a large proportion of savoury dishes, wheat will also be difficult, not so much just because its in bread, but its in so many other things - couscous being the main one I will miss, I will eat couscous 2-3 times a week. Not having pasta or noodles will be tricky too.  So no bread, pasta, noodles or couscous or potatoes - these are difficult staples to go without. But I CAN have rice and oats and corn, So if I choose to have a cereal I could possibly find an oat or corn based one, maybe a healthy muesli. potatoes I can substitute with an occassional sweet potato.

I am waiting to determine precisely which nuts I cant have, I know macadamia and peanuts are out. Hopefully I can still have cashews and almonds as I drink almond milk.
I am also getting one point verified re cocoa - is this cocoa containing milk powder ? If it is then maybe its just the milk thats the problem, which would be a huge relief as I could have be odd treat with cacao powder in almond milk whizzed up with banana and kale as a chocolate smoothie :)

My diet is going to be challenging for a short time whilst I work out what I can have, and how I can stay eating a diet that is highly nutritious with everything my body needs. A lot of shop bought ready made items are out of question. I guess I will come to really appreciate certain foods, but eating out will be very difficult.

Today is day one of elimination diet, Ive eliminated everything on the list apart from a tiny bit of apple juice in my smoothie. That wont be a problem tomorrow as I now have other fruits to substitute, so tomorrow everything from the list will be eliminated. I am hopeful that given a couple of weeks I will start feeling a good bit better in myself and that correcting my diet will  be a positive step on my road to recovery.

Positive stuff this week - hardly any pain- YIPPEE, even following my short walk in Durham. Ive made a new bracelet and a couple of components for necklaces. Ive actually got out 3 times this week despite feeling dreadful and had such a lovely time walking through woodlands at Durham botanical gardens.

There was an interesting article out this week about M.E. Here is a link for anyone that missed it.
http://www.thecanary.co/2016/06/08/people-mecfs-long-told-head-scientists-disagree/

Loving being vegetarian

I did get out to photograph waterfalls although we did not make it to the main waterfalls that we had planned as its was getting late in the day and they were much further away from the parking spot. We went to Hareshaw Linn in Northumberland which has the most beautiful old woodlands all alongside a small river. Parking is in a pretty little town called Bellingham, that has a nice pub and a home bakery shop on the main street, where I tried out some lovely chocolate shortbread. Only a few minutes walk from the car is a small waterfall with a few god options for photography, and with 3 of us pretty addicted to snapping we must have spent about an hour in that spot. We did have to splodge through the water to get different angles, and many of my friends who know me well will be amazed to know that I didn't get wet for once :). Luckily there were seats along the walk which provided welcome opportunities for brief rests as the path does undulate. Im quite happy that I managed the walk reasonably easily, although I suffered for about 5 days afterwards, its always worth it for me. We had such a lovely afternoon/evening with my partners parents and rounded it off nicely with a chippy supper.

Two weeks of being vegetarian now and I'm loving it. Ive not even considered or missed eating meat, in fact I've eaten a mainly Vegan, 75% raw diet virtually every day.  I wouldnt say Ive felt much benefit yet, although for the first time in ages Ive started getting a decent sleep in the last few days - 8-10 hours at a time, which is great as Ive struggled with sleep in the past couple of years, but especially the last 6 months.  Wierdly yesterday I only had 2 hours sleep and apart from the first hour after waking, I did not feel too bad. I have read that a largely raw diet can help with sleep and people often need less sleep, it will be interesting to see how this progresses. Another change in my body is that I normally menstruate 6-7 days and yet this time has only lasted 4 days, with virtually no pmt, again, I have also read that a largely raw diet can reduce the length of time menstruating and its well known that a diet rich in fruit and veg can help reduce pmt symptoms. Something else to watch with interest ( for me anyway :) )

Many books and articles do say that you can feel pretty rough in the first couple of weeks of turning vegetarian or starting a 75% raw diet, well I feel rough 90% of the time anyway over the last 6 months especially due to M.E, so no difference there. I did actually feel refreshed after a sleep one day, which is incredibly rare for me - only 2 days this year.  One positive is that Ive lost 8lbs in 8 days, without exercising ( although I have tried to be more active at home, struggling with this as the M.E has been bad, but I've set myself little extra tasks to keep me moving more and have tried to keep going despite feeling dreadful, in an attempt to increase my stamina). I have not had a stupidly low calorie intake - I've been very careful of this as low blood sugar is not good whilst having M.E, Ive tried to regulate it by having small amounts and often, and eating the right foods. My calorie intake has varied from 1200 calories to about 1600, Ive not worked it out exactly, just estimated it roughly, but I've certainly never dipped below 1200. I had put on almost 2 stone in 18 months, mostly due to  being hugely restricted in physical activity because of the M.E in the last 6 months, but dietary wise I've basically continued eating anything I wanted, so its no surprise.  8lbs is a lot to lose in 8 days,  but Ive genuinely eaten better in the last week than I have in my entire life. I've eaten loads, I've not gone without sweet treats and Ive had more good nutrition than ever. Because Ive researched and read so much lately, its resulted in me being able to pack in amazing amounts of nutrients into my meals/snacks, its meant my meals are varied and interesting, with so many flavours. I'm including various supposed " super foods" too. I have been including 1 teaspoon of Bee pollen in a smoothie every day and will be increasing this to 2 teaspoons over the next week or so. Bee pollen has so many positive effects - I would highly recommend anyone to read up on it to see for yourself.
























I will be happy to continue losing weight this way and I am going to keep my calorie intake to between 1200 and 1500 most days, whilst attempting to increase activity, as activity levels rise then so will be calorie intake.

I am feeling surprisingly more mentally alert and revitalised, which could be from a combination of things - good nutritious food, better sleeps, trying to be a little more active, even if it is only in small doses, supplements etc. My mood is also very good, I am positive and enjoying doing various things. I have meditated for brief periods each day and have tried implementing the technique when something stressful crops up - to help reduce the ANS  viscous cycle that contributes to M.E symptoms.

This week I am having sensitivity tests on foods, vitamins, minerals and airbourne stuff, plus a check for defficiencies. A friend told me about this Dr, he had the same tests and the Dr has helped not only him, but his girlfriend and mother to feel better by detecting and removing these "allergens". I have been looking for a holistic Dr and its strange how my friend brought it up just in the week that I was looking. Hopefully this will help me to ensure I m doing everything possible to get myself well and recover from M.E. Just another step in the process. I have previously mentioned my suspected sensitivity to Rapeseed, it will be interesting to see if is picked up or not, whether Im right or wrong.

I am hopefully off out somewhere with my partner and his parents tomorrow, not sure where yet, but looking forward to getting out and to seeing them. Im also hoping to get out this weekend to the 1 year anniversary of my favourite pub reopening - Trillians - I just love this place, my favourite pub since I was a teen, now ran partly by a lovely lady I met through the New friends in Newcastle Meet Up group and her friend. Its a rock bar and they have bands playing every week. This week they will have the same band playing that they did a year ago, AKQ Stottin and they were pretty darn good. So fingers crossed I can get there, enjoy the music and see  few friends.

Its also almost a year from the day I met my lovely partner, John . We had our first date in Trillians on the 21st of June, the summer solstice. I'm looking forward to celebrating our 1 year anniversary, there were many times I thought we might not be a couple, but now I'm really happy I stuck with it and worked through my issues as he is such a lovely, warm, kind hearted man. I can still remember our first kiss on some rocks at Cullercoats whilst watching the sun set, so romantic.